The Mystery

About a week ago I turned 26. I really like birthdays. I especially like my birthday. Each year I try to prepare myself that it will be just like any other day. Each year I try not to expect a surprise party, or being showered with presents. Yet, each year I can’t help but wake up really really excited and throughout the day wonder what treats might be just around the corner. Luckily I have some really nice friends, a truly romantic and thoughtful husband, and a mommy who remembers to send wrapped presents so that they arrive right on your birthday.

I once read something by Henri Nouwen (definitely one of my favorite authors) about how important he believes that birthdays are. We live in a culture that celebrates only the worthy. Our culture celebrates success. Our culture celebrates accomplishment. Our culture celebrates achievements. The one possible exception to this is the celebration of birthdays. When we celebrate someone’s birthday, we are celebrating the fact that he or she is alive. We are celebrating them for just being them, not for having achieved anything. We are celebrating them in the way that God celebrates each of us every day. I think that is part of the reason why I like birthdays so much. It just feels so good to be loved in that way.

Something that I can’t seem to figure out no matter how hard I try is why God loves us. If I had to sum up the entire bible, I think I would say it is the story of God’s desperate love for his children. But, I still don’t really know why God loves us. You know, I actually don’t think most people, including me, really live out of a belief that God loves us. I think it’s just too big. Too unimaginable. Too confusing. Too weird. Too mysterious.

Mystery. I think that has been my favorite word lately; especially when thinking about, or praying to God. Maybe lately I have been most in love with the mystery of God. When I think upon God’s mystery, I compelled to fall upon my face. I am so unworthy of His mystery. Yet, he blesses me with little pieces of it each day. To me the mystery of God is in all those things that allow us to taste his infinite beauty, but yet still be left wondering and yearning; seeking and searching.

His mystery is in the sound of a song that reminds you that you are alive; you are alive in a way that there are no words for. His mystery is in the first songs of birds after a long winter of cold silence. His mystery is in the soft fur of my little cat Billy. His mystery is in the way you can look at the face of your spouse after having looked at it thousands of times before and see something new, something more beautiful than you have ever seen before. His mystery is in the scent of rain on a spring day. His mystery is in how some of my happiest times are sitting in my living room talking and laughing with a group of high school girls. His mystery is the tiniest most beautiful flower that was made just for you to see.

There is mystery in every day and each moment. It is there, but sometimes I ask myself where are we?

Do we believe?

The other night I got into a really interesting conversation with my sister. Before I even get into that, I just want to say how much I love my sister. It’s hard to even imagine life or who I would be without her. She has just always been there. Even though we are really different in a lot of ways, I feel close to her in a way that I don’t with anyone else in the world. I love that Lauren is who she is. I love that she is learning more and more to be more and more who she is. I love that I feel special when I am around her. She’s kind of like a warm blanket on a cold and rainy day.

Anyway, back to our conversation. We were talking about the lack of authenticity in the Christian community of America. It’s something that I have been giving a lot of thought to recently. Mostly as it deals with me specifically. A few blogs back I wrote about the song Yahweh. Since then I have been thinking a lot about my desire for significance and approval from those around me. How much of my life seems to be lived in hopes of being “good enough.” It gets tiring, and there is always a sense that in the end I just never will be. I will never be the best at anything. I will never be as good as I want to be. I will never live even a day without sin. I will never have completely pure thoughts. I will never free from my fallen nature. I will never be the me that I want to be!

As I go down this road of trying to win approval, I am brought back to thoughts of God’s love and approval of me. I am brought to the place where I realize that God is the only one who knows me fully, and the only one who loves me fully. That’s a lot to think about. Do I even believe that? Seriously, do I really believe that? Do you believe that? Does ANYONE believe that?

If I did believe it, why would I live my life trying so hard all the time to prove to everyone that I was good enough and that I deserve their love? Why would I be so consumed by my image? Why would I want everyone to like me? Why would I be afraid to make waves for something I believe in? Why would I be afraid to be open with the areas of my life that are dark and scary? Why wouldn’t I engage in more intimate relationships? Why would I hide from God?

Another question that I have is; does the Christian Church in America believe that? Does the Christian community in America believe that God knows us fully, and God loves us fully? My answer has to be no. Of course almost every church would say that they believe this. But, the reason why my answer is no is because of all the acting that goes on inside of the Church. More that almost anywhere in my life, I’ve felt the pressure to act in church. I think this must be part of what is so confusing to people who don’t know God. They might hear that God knows them and loves them unconditionally, and yet the very people who proclaim this live as if they must hide every part of their lives that isn’t worthy of love.

OK, so here’s my point. As followers of Jesus, Christians should be the group of people in the world that feel and act most freely and authentically because we have assurance of love to the core, and there is nothing we can do to move outside of that love. Doesn’t that make sense? It seems like people that didn’t believe or know that there is a God that loves them fully and unconditionally, would be the ones who would be afraid to be authentic because they would need to PROVE that they are worthy of love. In my experience on this earth, this isn’t the way it works.

WHY????

I ask myself that a lot, especially recently. Why don’t Christians feel free to be real? To fail? To mess up? To fall flat on our faces? To admit that we don’t have it all figured out? To admit that our lives can be really messed up? To admit that we have hurt people and continue to hurt people? To admit that we struggle with all kinds of addictions all the time? To admit that we feel empty? To admit that we aren’t faithful? WHY?

I want to be free. I want to live among a community of free people. Real people.

Something that is kind of funny about me is that I love the show Roseanne. Dan always asks me, why are you watching that show? Why do you like that show? For a long time I couldn’t even really say why. I couldn’t explain it. I mean I think it’s kind of funny but it’s definitely not the funniest show. Recently I think I have figured it out. I love the show Roseanne, because it is refreshingly real and authentic. It is a bunch of people that aren’t afraid to show each other hot messed up they really are. That’s why I like it.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life acting. I am thankful that I have people like Lauren in my life who don’t want me to act and don’t expect me to and love me regardless. I pray for myself and for the Christian community in this country that we might really understand what it means to be known fully and loved fully.

Monotony

Sometimes life is really funny. Do you ever look around you and find it hard not to laugh. It isn’t that there is anything inherently funny in the scene around you, but just the ironies of life happening all the time around us. That happened just a minute ago for me as I was sitting here at my dining room table reading a book for the class I am auditing at Wheaton College this semester. Anyway, I am sitting here and I look over to my left and see three little sets golden retriever eyes staring at me. All three of them are huddled together just standing there watching me read. I couldn’t help but laugh.

Mostly I was laughing at myself. Laughing at the reality that at the moment my house is inhabited by three golden retrievers, a really fluffy cat, and myself. Laughing at how my friends think I am weird for volunteering to watch two full size golden retrievers. Laughing at the strange comfort I feel at having these dogs snuggled around my feet.

I love that about life. I love how weirdly entertaining it can be. I think that is why I really love the new show “Arrested Development.” Various people have been telling me for months that I HAVE TO WATCH IT!!! Sometimes that kind of thing can actually keep me from ever giving it a try, but for some strange reason my Tivo just started recording it. Seriously, I’ve asked everyone who regularly comes into my house if they set up Tivo to record Arrested Development and everyone swears it wasn’t them, so I guess I was meant to watch it. I’m glad that the Tivo gods decided I needed to see it, because I love it.

Maybe you’ve been reading this blog saying to yourself, what the heck are you talking about, and what the heck is funny about three golden retrievers. I understand if that’s what you’re thinking, because I often feel like I am most free and alive in the weirdest moments of life that other people are annoyed by or think is just stupid. I think that I got this from my dad. Thanks a lot daddy, for making me certifiably abstractly disoriented emotionally. I wonder if there is an official diagnosis for this problem. (I remember in college seeing the ridiculously, hideously, thick, small printed book of diagnoses for psychological disorders. There must be something in there for me.)

So I grew up in a world of imaginative scenarios, and make-believe words. Here’s one of my favorites: When we would be on a road trip and the weather would start looking ominous, my dad would predict our impending arrival into a pig’s belly. Yes a Pig’s Belly. As the rain and wind would start to come we would all yell, “Are we in the pig’s belly yet?” And he would reply, “not yet.” It wasn’t until we would almost be forced off the road by the weather when my dad would finally and emphatically insist that we had officially entered the pig’s belly. He would make no small show about it. Hands waving in the air. Yelps of anxiety ridden excitement. Maybe this was a way for me dad to escape reality, but it became easy and comfortable for me.

So, I’ve found that when watching shows like Arrested Development that I feel a sense of commonality with the world around me. That even if there is a diagnosis for me in that book for psychological disorders, there are other people who could be similarly diagnosed. My husband for example would be one. That is actually something that I thank God for regularly. I’m so thankful that I am married to a man who not only really genuinely appreciates my strangeness, but has a lot of strangeness to add to the world himself. One thing that I always remember my dad saying to me, is that one of his worst fears in the world was being bored. That could explain a lot. But as I take this into my own life I realize a couple things. One, there are worse things in life than being bored. Two, I hate being bored, and I am continually thankful for people in this world who just by living are putting boredom on the endangered species list.

As I have gotten older, (I recognize that 25 is not old at all), I think I have gotten better at letting who I really am live more and more. I like that. And, I like that in other people. I think the boredom and monotony (a better word I think for what I am getting at) comes in as we are so often trying to assimilate, be accepted, make no waves, fly under the radar, keep up with the Joneses.

Just for clarification, I’m not really trying to make any philosophical point with this blog. If I was, I think I’d be in trouble. I’m just putting words to some things that float through my head from time to time.

As I post blogs I really go back and forth between hoping there might actually be some people out there who read this, and hoping that I’m the only one who reads this. Maybe most people feel that way about their blogs. I haven’t yet mastered the art of the blog.

p.s. I just decided to include a pic of RJ with this blog because; 1. I like putting pictures with blogs, 2. I think RJ is one of the lease monotonous people I have ever known. 3. The look on RJ's face is one of complete boredom (that's what spending time with the fam over christmas can do to a 19 year old boy.)

Stuff

It’s kind of weird to start blogging again, because it’s been awhile and I feel a little out of practice. I think that I need to jump right back in and go for it. I got a new lap top for Christmas. I’m pretty excited about it, but as I explained in one of my previous blogs I’m also a little scared of technology. Anyway, I’m hoping that my blogs will start being more consistent.

My new computer isn’t the only change in my life right now. Dan just started on YL staff this week. It’s pretty exciting for him, and for me. For years he has been following this path that has been so uncomfortable for him. Every day he would wake up and sleepily walk to the closet and put on some stupid collared shirt, tie, and dress pants. Then he would rush out of the house to make it on time to the train where he would get the first of MANY cups of coffee for the day (you gotta get by some how). Then he would make his decent into the hum drum business world of downtown Chicago. He would get off the train and step into the sea of suits and high heels. Everyone climbing the invisible ladder to somewhere that would surely be better than where they were. He would step onto the escalator that would lead to the front door of Performance Trust Captial Partners. He would then walk over to his desk and sit down. He would sit there and look at his computer and his phone, he would stare at his two foot by four foot desk and ask himself once again, just like every other day, WHY AM I HERE??? Why am I spending my life doing a job that I don’t believe in and I don’t even like? Why do I get up every morning to come to a place where I can’t be myself, to a place that sucks the self right out of me?

I wonder if a lot of people sit down at their desks each day and ask that same question. I think so.

Because of Dan’s change in career we’ve had to make some minor adjustments in our life style. We now have a budget that we are following, or I should say trying to follow. I’m not very good at budgets, but I think that it will be a really good thing for us. Anyway, it’s got me to thinking. Thinking about stuff. What is stuff? Why do I have so much of it? Why do I want more? Why am I always comparing my stuff to someone else’s stuff?

I started reading my first Tom Robbins book the other day. It’s called Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates. Lauren told me I HAD to read it, and I usually love her recommendations, so I though I would go for it. I’m only about 50 pages in, but I’m already hooked. First of all, Tom Robbins has to be completely out of his mind, which I LOVE. Secondly, he offers some great thoughts on life amidst the wildly funny scenes he creates. One of these thoughts seemed to jump off the page when I was reading it the other day. Here it is:

“Things. Cosas. Things attach themselves like leeches to the human soul, then they bleed out the wetness and the music and the primordial joy of being unencumbered upon the land. Comprende? People feel tremendous pressure to settle down in some sort of permanent space and fill it up with stuff, but deep inside they resent those structures, and they’re scared to death of that stuff because they know it controls them and restricts their movements.”

When I read this I must admit that it really rang true for me. But, where do I go from here? Do I sell my house and all my belongings, and give away my pets, and … and then …. And then what?? That’s the part where I get confused. Maybe I’m on the baby steps program. I decided that one of my new years resolutions** was to give away more, throw away more, buy less, take less, and bring less into my house. The day after I made this resolution I was reading in 2 corinthians and I found the perfect theme verse for this resolution. It’s 2 Cor. 8:15 “whoever gathered much had nothing left over, and whoever gathered little had no lack.” I like this verse. It’s really simple but it communicates so much. I would like to live by this principle. The problem is the same day I went to the mall with my friend. I was DETERMINED not to buy anything. I was doing really well. Until…(it always seems like there is an until) we went into this one store and I saw this purse that I completely fell in love with. Kind of like how I felt when I met Dan. Just kidding. Anyway, I really needed (I don’t really think I know what need means) this new purse, so I bought it. Should I have? I could live without it. Thus my confusion ensues.

I pray for God’s grace in my life. I ask his forgiveness for my ignorance. And I pray that some day I might better understand what it means to “give away all your possessions”, what it means to live a life free of the stuff that “controls and restricts my movements.”


** I think that new years resolutions are kind of wierd, funny, and stupid. But I also think they are kind of cool because it feels like you get a fresh start to make changes in your life.

Yahweh

I’ve been in a weird kind of funk lately. I can think of a lot of reasons why I might be in a funk. One is the weather. As much as I love the first snow, I always kind of hate to say goodbye to barefoot days. There is just something about being able to walk outside and enjoy the feeling of the sun on your face and the feeling of grass between your toes. It’s going to be awhile before I feel that again.

Another possible reason for my funk is how crazy busy I have been lately. I barely have time to stop and breath. There is no one to blame for that except for me. It’s kind of strange because it’s not really even that I don’t have a spare moment, but that in each spare moment I am consumed by restless and anxious thoughts. I find that this is a common feeling for people who are in full time ministry. I love Young Life, I love the kids, and the leaders, and all the crazy and fun activities we are doing all the time. I love sitting down for coffee with kids and leaders. But, sometimes I feel like I can’t escape the feeling of burden. Knowing there’s always something that’s getting left undone. Always another person I could be spending time with. That’s when the downward spiral begins.

I have spent a decent amount of time in the past three and a half years beating myself up and feeling like a failure. I get to the point where I almost feel paralyzed by my own fear and guilt. Experiencing these lows has recently brought me to a new place of peace. I have been forced to experience God’s grace in a new way. I have been forced to let God love me even if I am the biggest failure that ever lived. And to be honest sometimes I feel that way.

The other day when I was writing in my journal a U2 song popped into my head. It’s on their newer album “How To Dismantle And Atomic Bomb” and the song is called Yahweh. I personally recommend EVERY song on the CD. It’s one of those CD’s where you can really lose yourself. I’m actually listening to it right now and I am loving it! Anyway, this song Yahweh is really good. There is one line that says, “Always pain before a child is born.” The first time I heard the song that line really hit me, but the other day as I was writing in my journal it started to take on a much more personal meaning.

As I sat there thinking about it, I had one of those moments of clarity. They are rare, but when they happen it is like magic. It’s as if God spoke directly to me saying, “all this pain and hurt in your life, all these feelings of failure that you are dealing with, all of the darkness that you are living in, they are about to birth new life in you.” I think that it is mostly true. I look back on my life, and I think about all the times when I really felt like the old scales were falling off and the new creation was being revealed and it always hurts.

As I was telling a friend about this feeling and experience the other day he related it to one of the Chronicles of Narnia (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader) where there is young boy who is mean to everyone. And the meaner he gets he becomes covered in scales and ends up looking like a dragon. He doesn’t want to look like a dragon and be covered in scales but he doesn’t seem to be able to help it. And then Alsan (the lion “Jesus” figure) comes one night to the boy and slowly but surely Aslan rips all the scales off of the boy. It hurts because Aslan has to use his claws, but by the end he is a boy again and no longer a dragon. I feel like that boy sometimes. It hurts having my scales ripped off, but it’s worth it. I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a dragon.

I think that I will probably spend the rest of my life going through seasons of life that really hurt. Times when I feel unlovable. Times when I feel dark and lonely. Times when I am lost and fearful. But, I do believe that if I persevere in these times that I will slowly become the beautiful creation I was meant to be.

Below are the complete lyrics of U2’s “Yahweh.” If anything I said in this blog resonates with you, stop what you are doing right now, find this song, and listen to it.

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirtPolyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

The Pale Blue Dot

I often find myself making little deals in my head. I do it with a lot of things, but one thing I have been doing it with a lot lately is Dan coming on Young Life staff. As stupid as it may sound, I often find myself daydreaming about all the things I might never have. Things like a lake house, or even a regular house with more than one bathroom, or a new car, or vacations to Hawaii, or the opportunity to not work, or going out to dinner and not worrying about how much the bill will cost, or being able to buy people really nice gifts, or not worrying about how much each item in my cart costs at the grocery store, or paying for college for my kids, or even having more than two or three kids. The list could go on and on.

When I think about all these things, that is when I start to make little deals in my head. Here’s how it works: I see some young mom with her kids riding around in a new SUV. I immediately feel a sense of desire for the car, or that fact she doesn’t work, or both. Then I tell myself, “Meghan, those are worldly desires. The fulfillment they bring won’t last. But, if I keep following God and his plan for my life, I will be more fulfilled than I would be with some new SUV.” I know it may sound kind of dumb, but that really is more or less the way it works. Or the way it did work until my thoughts were kind of turned upside down.

Earlier this week, myself and some other Young Life leaders took a bunch of kids to a concert at Willow Creek (a huge church in Chicago). A funny side note is that Willow Creek is so huge and this concert was drawing in so many people (people were parking everywhere; on the grass, in the middle of the isles, along the street) that as we were walking in, the girls I was with kept saying, “I can’t believe that we are at a church, it feels like an N-Sync concert.” I thought that was funny.

Anyway, we went in and the concert was good, but even better was getting a chance to hear Louie Giglio speak. I guess he’s pretty famous and speaks around the country all the time. So, what he spoke about the other night hit me in a really cool way. He was giving a talk about how BIG God is and how small we are. He did a great job communicating this point through showing a bunch of pictures of space. He showed stars, and galaxies, and the sun, and other planets, and then he showed this really weird and interesting picture of the earth. It is a picture of earth from the farthest away a picture of the earth has ever been taken. It was from like 180,000,000 light years away or something crazy like that. (I’m not really into science, so I can’t remember these kinds of things.)

What was really cool about the picture, which is called “The Pale Blue Dot”, is that the whole earth is literally this tiny tiny tiny pale blue dot. You can almost not even see it on the picture. It gave me a perspective on this earth that I have never had before. I sat there looking at this tiny little pale blue dot and I thought about all the things I worry about, and all my fears, and how I am so self conscious, and all the things I want, and all the SUVs and lake houses and trips to Hawaii. And, it all seemed so insignificant.

Looking at the earth as a tiny pale blue dot, gave me a whole new perspective. It allowed me in a new way to appreciate how BIG and Holy and Awesome God is. He created the pale blue dot, and he knows how small we are (and he still even loves us). It made me think about all the little deals I have been making in my head. Here’s the thing, whether I feel fulfilled or not is really not even important in comparison to God’s glory and majesty. We live in a time where more than any other time we base so much of our theology and life on how we feel, what makes us feel good. It made me realize that if I live my whole life feeling unfulfilled, it doesn’t matter as long as I am living it for God’s glory.

My Dad

I’ve had this picture sitting on my desk for the last few weeks, ever since I was working on that photo project for my mom’s 50th birthday. For some reason, when I was looking through pictures, this one caught my eye and I pulled it out of the box and left it on my desk. Every time my eyes catch a glimpse of it at the corner of my desk, or under a pile of papers I always pull it out and stare at it for awhile. I still can’t quite figure out why I find this picture so enchanting.

Sometimes I feel so much of my dad alive in me, that there isn’t even room for me. It’s beautiful and somewhat uncomfortable. There’s as much of the crazy as there is the sane. There’s as much of the confident as there is the paranoid. There’s as much of the addiction as there is the simple-mindedness. There is this eternal quality of a person, and I think part of what makes it eternal, is that it cannot die because it keeps living on in those it has impacted.

Last weekend I was back in Cincinnati for a baby shower of one of my college friends. I had tried calling my dad a few times to set up a time to see each other before I left. We kept changing our plans as the weekend went on. Finally we agreed on lunch Sunday at Chili’s. As Sunday came I was feeling really sick and couldn’t meet him for lunch. So I invited him over to sit and talk with me as I lay on the couch. He walks in with an Arby’s bag. He proceeds to sit down and talk to me as he chomps away at his roast been and cheddar sandwiches.

We talked about some great stuff and really connected, but as I drove home later that night it wasn’t our conversation that stuck with me, but more the Arby’s. I’m not kidding or making some joke about the food. When I was younger, I have countless memories of my dad getting Arby’s. (I mean five for $5, who can beat it). Seriously though, there is something about these simple quirks that invokes such a feeling of closeness and intimacy. There are millions of these little quirks that each person has. Some others for my dad is the way he is always rubbing his hand really hard on the arm of the couch (he has carpel tunnel’s, and ruined many an arm of a couch), or the funny way he squints his eyes when he looks in the mirror, or his surprisingly high pitched laugh.

I think that it is these simple things about a person that ultimately make them so lovable. In the speed and business of our lives I think that we often forget to stop for a moment and remember these little quirks and appreciate the people that God has put into our lives. As I was driving home from Cincinnati, imagining my dad from years past in his puffy blue coat eating Arby’s, I felt an intense love rush over me for my dad as tears ran down my face. For so many reasons I could be bitter or angry at my dad (which at times I have been both), but in that moment it was all washed away, and I loved him so much.

It is in these moments that I can barely comprehend the love that God has for us, his unruly and disobedient children. I think that is part of what I love so much about the picture of my dad and I. The image of this big man smiling holding a little girl, full of fear and questions, gives me a sense of comfort. I’m still a little girl full of fear and questions, and even though my dad can’t hold me like that anymore, I know that I have a dad in heaven who can.

There’s Technology Under My Bed

For any of you out there who might actually have actually noticed that I haven’t posted a blog for awhile, I have meant to, but it has been difficult with not having a computer at home. This posting might help explain why.

There’s a children’s book entitled “There’s a Monster Under My Bed.” I remember reading it when I was young, and since then I have read it while babysitting. The story is pretty much what the title explains. There’s a little boy who continually believes that there is a monster living beneath his bed. He cries for his mom to come into his room proclaiming that he is certain that there is a monster living beneath his bed. Each time his mom enters the room, turns on the light and shows the boy that there really isn’t a monster under his bed, it’s just his imagination. But each time she leaves the room and turns off the light he is once again convinced that there really a monster under his bed.

I can relate with this little boy. Not about a monster under my bed, but about technology. I have an unfounded fear of technology. Not the kind of fear that my grandma has: that using technology is scary, or that the internet is scary. But, more the fear of what this growth in technology is doing to our culture, to our daily lives, to our relationships. I feel like whenever I try to express this fear to anyone it is as if I am that little boy with a monster under his bed. People want to just come in my room, turn on the light, look under the bed and say, “Meghan, how can computers and cell phones and pocket PC’s and TVs really be that bad. They are just helping us do things more easily. They are speeding up the rate at which we can learn and get information. They are for our convenience not our demise. We rule them, they don’t rule us.” From what I’ve seen, I feel that it is much the opposite.

Here’s what I see. I see people slowly becoming more isolated and fragmented than ever. Lives being lived apart from the life itself. Everywhere you look people are running away from their own lives and technology is the road they are using. I see families where each member has their own computer and TV where they spend all their time. I see kids who spend more time in front of their computer screen than with their parents talking. I am in the grocery store, or the airport, or the bank and no longer do I have to deal with the annoyance of actually talking to another person because there is a much more convenient computerized kiosk. I see a whole generation of people being defined by the hours they spend each day in front of the TV. I see the way MTV and other media have warped the mind of a teenage girl into believing that starving herself is the only way she will ever be good enough.

Cell Phones. They deserve a paragraph of their own. I have to tell this story. About a year ago I was with my mom and sister visiting an old friend in her assisted living apartment. Her husband was about to die. She sat with us talking about her life, her marriage, how much she loved her husband, and how afraid she was about his impending death. As she sat there in tears my mom’s cell phone rang….AND SHE ANSWERED IT!!!!!!!!! I was so upset. She’s definitely not the only one to blame. Since when did it become ok to sacrifice these moments of relational vulnerability for some dumb call from my brother asking if he could use the car. Or, on a much less serious note, when did it become ok to answer your cell phone while out to dinner, talking with a friend, in line a the grocery store, at church, in an art museum, and so on and so on. A lot of people get really frustrated and even mad at me for not answering my cell phone. I can understand their frustration, but when I signed up for my cell phone plan I didn’t realize I was also signing up to be available at the exact moment when anyone wanted to get a hold of me.

I definitely understand that there are some amazing things happening in this world because of technological advances. I am also aware that I probably wouldn’t even be in touch with half of the people I am now without e-mail. But that doesn’t mean that all the rest of this stuff is excusable. Through the rapid growth of technology I feel we haven’t taken time to understand it’s role in our lives. We’ve just let it take over. Whether technology is a monster living under my bed, I guess only time will really tell.

Happy 50th

Last night I realized that I only have one day left before I leave to go back to Cincinnati for my mom's 50th birthday. The problem is that for months I have been planning on making a picture slide show for her as a suprise, and I hadn't even started it yet. So, I decided to gather up all the photo albums I stole from home and head over the Young Life office to start putting it together. It took hours just to go through all the pics, not to mention putting them in order to music.

As I was sitting there last night at 2am, I started to get really sad. For the last couple months I have been doing a lot better dealing with the divorce of my parents. I have gone through so many emotions. The screaming and crying and wanting to just run through a wall. The hate, the anger, and the deep sadness of loss. But lately, I have been better able to accept reality. And then last night somehow I started to get lost in the sadness all over again. It rushed over me like wave. I felt like I was standing on the edge of the grand canyon of memories and I just wanted to dive in head first, but to do so would have been the end of me.

As I looked at so many pictures of my parents when they were young, and all the hundreds of stories, and vacations, and good times, and life shared, it was hard to believe that it could really be over. And that is the strange part about the past to me. I often struggle with the idea of past. How can it feel so real and be so completely over at the same time? How can I taste, smell, and even feel things from the past, yet they are always beyond my grasp?

I loved the family that I grew up in. I loved the laughter. I loved making fruit cakes with my dad at christmas. I loved going for walks together in the metro parks. I loved all the funny voices that my mom would make. I loved something that is gone. And now, I need to learn to love something new.

So, I'm trying to make this picture movie celebrating my mom's life, and in the process not use any pictures of my dad. How am I supposed to remove my dad from 30 years of my mom's life? It's like trying to rewrite history. In many ways I guess that's what divorce is. Trying to rewrite history, like trying to detach yourself from your own life. I can't think of anything that sounds too much more painful. It makes me think of Jesus's commands for us. How often do we see them as restrictive and cumbersome. But over and over again Jesus gives them to us out of love. He made our hearts and knows what hurts them the most. Yet again and again we all turn aside thinking our way will be better. Look how far it has got us.

BILLY THE CAT

It's kind of funny to me that I am writing my fist blog ever about my cat Billy. Billy is a pretty cool cat. I got him about three years ago. I wanted the fluffiest cat in the world, and that's pretty much what I got. But what I didn't know at the time, is that I also got the smartest and craziest cat in the world. Billy can actally open doors on his own. When I lived in an apartment, he LOVED being outside so he would just sit on our poarch (we lived on the third floor). One day we couldn't find Billy. We looked EVERYWHERE, until I found him down on the ground below. Just sitting there as if nothing had happened. Well, now that we live in a house, Billy always wants to go outside. Billy is a cat that likes to live free and do what he wants. He can open the front door and goes out on his own. How many cats can do that????

I actually see a lot of myself in Billy. Maybe that's why I am so intrigued by him. I know that Billy loves me because at times he'll come up next to me purring and purring. And other times I will want to hold and pet Billy and he just runs away. I think that is how I am with people. Sometimes I really open up with people and show them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Other times I feel so closed off from everyone and everything, like I am in my own world, and I am just running away. Even more, at times I feel this is the way I am with God. I scare myself. Sometimes it just feels so uncomfortable to be down here on earth all wrapped in skin struggling to understand this life, God, and why I'm even here. I wonder if Billy ever thinks that??

I feel like in some way or another we are all struggling for freedom. I mean wasn't America founded by a bunch of people who more than anything wanted freedom. People now and throughout history have gone to such great lengths to achieve this freedom. And what does that mean. To be free: to be free from worry? To be free from self doubt? To be free from sin? To be free from what the world says we should be? To be free to love? To be free to hate? To be free from the constraints of our culture and society? To be free to be the creations we were intended to be? "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." Galatians 5:1 Is there any freedom apart from Christ?

So, yesterday I came home from work and unknowingly left my cell phone sitting in the back yard. By the time I realized I had left it there, it was about 10:00pm. I am came outside and picked it up and it was all wet from dew. So I wiped it off on my pants. Then I opened it up, and it was wet on the inside, which I thought was strange, but I just wiped off the inside. Then all of a sudden I realized by smell, that my phone wasn't wet from dew, but because Billy had peed on it. I find this pretty funny, and also somewhat annoying. But, I think that if I were Billy I would also want to pee on my cell phone. I continue to struggle with all these electronic gadgets that are supposed to be bringing us all this increased freedom, when really it seems to me as if we are becoming their slaves.

I want to be free. I'm not sure if on this side of heaven I'll ever totally experience freedom, but I can dream. Until then I will continue to appreciate my cat Billy and how I see freedom expressed in him.