Yahweh

I’ve been in a weird kind of funk lately. I can think of a lot of reasons why I might be in a funk. One is the weather. As much as I love the first snow, I always kind of hate to say goodbye to barefoot days. There is just something about being able to walk outside and enjoy the feeling of the sun on your face and the feeling of grass between your toes. It’s going to be awhile before I feel that again.

Another possible reason for my funk is how crazy busy I have been lately. I barely have time to stop and breath. There is no one to blame for that except for me. It’s kind of strange because it’s not really even that I don’t have a spare moment, but that in each spare moment I am consumed by restless and anxious thoughts. I find that this is a common feeling for people who are in full time ministry. I love Young Life, I love the kids, and the leaders, and all the crazy and fun activities we are doing all the time. I love sitting down for coffee with kids and leaders. But, sometimes I feel like I can’t escape the feeling of burden. Knowing there’s always something that’s getting left undone. Always another person I could be spending time with. That’s when the downward spiral begins.

I have spent a decent amount of time in the past three and a half years beating myself up and feeling like a failure. I get to the point where I almost feel paralyzed by my own fear and guilt. Experiencing these lows has recently brought me to a new place of peace. I have been forced to experience God’s grace in a new way. I have been forced to let God love me even if I am the biggest failure that ever lived. And to be honest sometimes I feel that way.

The other day when I was writing in my journal a U2 song popped into my head. It’s on their newer album “How To Dismantle And Atomic Bomb” and the song is called Yahweh. I personally recommend EVERY song on the CD. It’s one of those CD’s where you can really lose yourself. I’m actually listening to it right now and I am loving it! Anyway, this song Yahweh is really good. There is one line that says, “Always pain before a child is born.” The first time I heard the song that line really hit me, but the other day as I was writing in my journal it started to take on a much more personal meaning.

As I sat there thinking about it, I had one of those moments of clarity. They are rare, but when they happen it is like magic. It’s as if God spoke directly to me saying, “all this pain and hurt in your life, all these feelings of failure that you are dealing with, all of the darkness that you are living in, they are about to birth new life in you.” I think that it is mostly true. I look back on my life, and I think about all the times when I really felt like the old scales were falling off and the new creation was being revealed and it always hurts.

As I was telling a friend about this feeling and experience the other day he related it to one of the Chronicles of Narnia (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader) where there is young boy who is mean to everyone. And the meaner he gets he becomes covered in scales and ends up looking like a dragon. He doesn’t want to look like a dragon and be covered in scales but he doesn’t seem to be able to help it. And then Alsan (the lion “Jesus” figure) comes one night to the boy and slowly but surely Aslan rips all the scales off of the boy. It hurts because Aslan has to use his claws, but by the end he is a boy again and no longer a dragon. I feel like that boy sometimes. It hurts having my scales ripped off, but it’s worth it. I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a dragon.

I think that I will probably spend the rest of my life going through seasons of life that really hurt. Times when I feel unlovable. Times when I feel dark and lonely. Times when I am lost and fearful. But, I do believe that if I persevere in these times that I will slowly become the beautiful creation I was meant to be.

Below are the complete lyrics of U2’s “Yahweh.” If anything I said in this blog resonates with you, stop what you are doing right now, find this song, and listen to it.

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirtPolyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

The Pale Blue Dot

I often find myself making little deals in my head. I do it with a lot of things, but one thing I have been doing it with a lot lately is Dan coming on Young Life staff. As stupid as it may sound, I often find myself daydreaming about all the things I might never have. Things like a lake house, or even a regular house with more than one bathroom, or a new car, or vacations to Hawaii, or the opportunity to not work, or going out to dinner and not worrying about how much the bill will cost, or being able to buy people really nice gifts, or not worrying about how much each item in my cart costs at the grocery store, or paying for college for my kids, or even having more than two or three kids. The list could go on and on.

When I think about all these things, that is when I start to make little deals in my head. Here’s how it works: I see some young mom with her kids riding around in a new SUV. I immediately feel a sense of desire for the car, or that fact she doesn’t work, or both. Then I tell myself, “Meghan, those are worldly desires. The fulfillment they bring won’t last. But, if I keep following God and his plan for my life, I will be more fulfilled than I would be with some new SUV.” I know it may sound kind of dumb, but that really is more or less the way it works. Or the way it did work until my thoughts were kind of turned upside down.

Earlier this week, myself and some other Young Life leaders took a bunch of kids to a concert at Willow Creek (a huge church in Chicago). A funny side note is that Willow Creek is so huge and this concert was drawing in so many people (people were parking everywhere; on the grass, in the middle of the isles, along the street) that as we were walking in, the girls I was with kept saying, “I can’t believe that we are at a church, it feels like an N-Sync concert.” I thought that was funny.

Anyway, we went in and the concert was good, but even better was getting a chance to hear Louie Giglio speak. I guess he’s pretty famous and speaks around the country all the time. So, what he spoke about the other night hit me in a really cool way. He was giving a talk about how BIG God is and how small we are. He did a great job communicating this point through showing a bunch of pictures of space. He showed stars, and galaxies, and the sun, and other planets, and then he showed this really weird and interesting picture of the earth. It is a picture of earth from the farthest away a picture of the earth has ever been taken. It was from like 180,000,000 light years away or something crazy like that. (I’m not really into science, so I can’t remember these kinds of things.)

What was really cool about the picture, which is called “The Pale Blue Dot”, is that the whole earth is literally this tiny tiny tiny pale blue dot. You can almost not even see it on the picture. It gave me a perspective on this earth that I have never had before. I sat there looking at this tiny little pale blue dot and I thought about all the things I worry about, and all my fears, and how I am so self conscious, and all the things I want, and all the SUVs and lake houses and trips to Hawaii. And, it all seemed so insignificant.

Looking at the earth as a tiny pale blue dot, gave me a whole new perspective. It allowed me in a new way to appreciate how BIG and Holy and Awesome God is. He created the pale blue dot, and he knows how small we are (and he still even loves us). It made me think about all the little deals I have been making in my head. Here’s the thing, whether I feel fulfilled or not is really not even important in comparison to God’s glory and majesty. We live in a time where more than any other time we base so much of our theology and life on how we feel, what makes us feel good. It made me realize that if I live my whole life feeling unfulfilled, it doesn’t matter as long as I am living it for God’s glory.

My Dad

I’ve had this picture sitting on my desk for the last few weeks, ever since I was working on that photo project for my mom’s 50th birthday. For some reason, when I was looking through pictures, this one caught my eye and I pulled it out of the box and left it on my desk. Every time my eyes catch a glimpse of it at the corner of my desk, or under a pile of papers I always pull it out and stare at it for awhile. I still can’t quite figure out why I find this picture so enchanting.

Sometimes I feel so much of my dad alive in me, that there isn’t even room for me. It’s beautiful and somewhat uncomfortable. There’s as much of the crazy as there is the sane. There’s as much of the confident as there is the paranoid. There’s as much of the addiction as there is the simple-mindedness. There is this eternal quality of a person, and I think part of what makes it eternal, is that it cannot die because it keeps living on in those it has impacted.

Last weekend I was back in Cincinnati for a baby shower of one of my college friends. I had tried calling my dad a few times to set up a time to see each other before I left. We kept changing our plans as the weekend went on. Finally we agreed on lunch Sunday at Chili’s. As Sunday came I was feeling really sick and couldn’t meet him for lunch. So I invited him over to sit and talk with me as I lay on the couch. He walks in with an Arby’s bag. He proceeds to sit down and talk to me as he chomps away at his roast been and cheddar sandwiches.

We talked about some great stuff and really connected, but as I drove home later that night it wasn’t our conversation that stuck with me, but more the Arby’s. I’m not kidding or making some joke about the food. When I was younger, I have countless memories of my dad getting Arby’s. (I mean five for $5, who can beat it). Seriously though, there is something about these simple quirks that invokes such a feeling of closeness and intimacy. There are millions of these little quirks that each person has. Some others for my dad is the way he is always rubbing his hand really hard on the arm of the couch (he has carpel tunnel’s, and ruined many an arm of a couch), or the funny way he squints his eyes when he looks in the mirror, or his surprisingly high pitched laugh.

I think that it is these simple things about a person that ultimately make them so lovable. In the speed and business of our lives I think that we often forget to stop for a moment and remember these little quirks and appreciate the people that God has put into our lives. As I was driving home from Cincinnati, imagining my dad from years past in his puffy blue coat eating Arby’s, I felt an intense love rush over me for my dad as tears ran down my face. For so many reasons I could be bitter or angry at my dad (which at times I have been both), but in that moment it was all washed away, and I loved him so much.

It is in these moments that I can barely comprehend the love that God has for us, his unruly and disobedient children. I think that is part of what I love so much about the picture of my dad and I. The image of this big man smiling holding a little girl, full of fear and questions, gives me a sense of comfort. I’m still a little girl full of fear and questions, and even though my dad can’t hold me like that anymore, I know that I have a dad in heaven who can.

There’s Technology Under My Bed

For any of you out there who might actually have actually noticed that I haven’t posted a blog for awhile, I have meant to, but it has been difficult with not having a computer at home. This posting might help explain why.

There’s a children’s book entitled “There’s a Monster Under My Bed.” I remember reading it when I was young, and since then I have read it while babysitting. The story is pretty much what the title explains. There’s a little boy who continually believes that there is a monster living beneath his bed. He cries for his mom to come into his room proclaiming that he is certain that there is a monster living beneath his bed. Each time his mom enters the room, turns on the light and shows the boy that there really isn’t a monster under his bed, it’s just his imagination. But each time she leaves the room and turns off the light he is once again convinced that there really a monster under his bed.

I can relate with this little boy. Not about a monster under my bed, but about technology. I have an unfounded fear of technology. Not the kind of fear that my grandma has: that using technology is scary, or that the internet is scary. But, more the fear of what this growth in technology is doing to our culture, to our daily lives, to our relationships. I feel like whenever I try to express this fear to anyone it is as if I am that little boy with a monster under his bed. People want to just come in my room, turn on the light, look under the bed and say, “Meghan, how can computers and cell phones and pocket PC’s and TVs really be that bad. They are just helping us do things more easily. They are speeding up the rate at which we can learn and get information. They are for our convenience not our demise. We rule them, they don’t rule us.” From what I’ve seen, I feel that it is much the opposite.

Here’s what I see. I see people slowly becoming more isolated and fragmented than ever. Lives being lived apart from the life itself. Everywhere you look people are running away from their own lives and technology is the road they are using. I see families where each member has their own computer and TV where they spend all their time. I see kids who spend more time in front of their computer screen than with their parents talking. I am in the grocery store, or the airport, or the bank and no longer do I have to deal with the annoyance of actually talking to another person because there is a much more convenient computerized kiosk. I see a whole generation of people being defined by the hours they spend each day in front of the TV. I see the way MTV and other media have warped the mind of a teenage girl into believing that starving herself is the only way she will ever be good enough.

Cell Phones. They deserve a paragraph of their own. I have to tell this story. About a year ago I was with my mom and sister visiting an old friend in her assisted living apartment. Her husband was about to die. She sat with us talking about her life, her marriage, how much she loved her husband, and how afraid she was about his impending death. As she sat there in tears my mom’s cell phone rang….AND SHE ANSWERED IT!!!!!!!!! I was so upset. She’s definitely not the only one to blame. Since when did it become ok to sacrifice these moments of relational vulnerability for some dumb call from my brother asking if he could use the car. Or, on a much less serious note, when did it become ok to answer your cell phone while out to dinner, talking with a friend, in line a the grocery store, at church, in an art museum, and so on and so on. A lot of people get really frustrated and even mad at me for not answering my cell phone. I can understand their frustration, but when I signed up for my cell phone plan I didn’t realize I was also signing up to be available at the exact moment when anyone wanted to get a hold of me.

I definitely understand that there are some amazing things happening in this world because of technological advances. I am also aware that I probably wouldn’t even be in touch with half of the people I am now without e-mail. But that doesn’t mean that all the rest of this stuff is excusable. Through the rapid growth of technology I feel we haven’t taken time to understand it’s role in our lives. We’ve just let it take over. Whether technology is a monster living under my bed, I guess only time will really tell.

Happy 50th

Last night I realized that I only have one day left before I leave to go back to Cincinnati for my mom's 50th birthday. The problem is that for months I have been planning on making a picture slide show for her as a suprise, and I hadn't even started it yet. So, I decided to gather up all the photo albums I stole from home and head over the Young Life office to start putting it together. It took hours just to go through all the pics, not to mention putting them in order to music.

As I was sitting there last night at 2am, I started to get really sad. For the last couple months I have been doing a lot better dealing with the divorce of my parents. I have gone through so many emotions. The screaming and crying and wanting to just run through a wall. The hate, the anger, and the deep sadness of loss. But lately, I have been better able to accept reality. And then last night somehow I started to get lost in the sadness all over again. It rushed over me like wave. I felt like I was standing on the edge of the grand canyon of memories and I just wanted to dive in head first, but to do so would have been the end of me.

As I looked at so many pictures of my parents when they were young, and all the hundreds of stories, and vacations, and good times, and life shared, it was hard to believe that it could really be over. And that is the strange part about the past to me. I often struggle with the idea of past. How can it feel so real and be so completely over at the same time? How can I taste, smell, and even feel things from the past, yet they are always beyond my grasp?

I loved the family that I grew up in. I loved the laughter. I loved making fruit cakes with my dad at christmas. I loved going for walks together in the metro parks. I loved all the funny voices that my mom would make. I loved something that is gone. And now, I need to learn to love something new.

So, I'm trying to make this picture movie celebrating my mom's life, and in the process not use any pictures of my dad. How am I supposed to remove my dad from 30 years of my mom's life? It's like trying to rewrite history. In many ways I guess that's what divorce is. Trying to rewrite history, like trying to detach yourself from your own life. I can't think of anything that sounds too much more painful. It makes me think of Jesus's commands for us. How often do we see them as restrictive and cumbersome. But over and over again Jesus gives them to us out of love. He made our hearts and knows what hurts them the most. Yet again and again we all turn aside thinking our way will be better. Look how far it has got us.

BILLY THE CAT

It's kind of funny to me that I am writing my fist blog ever about my cat Billy. Billy is a pretty cool cat. I got him about three years ago. I wanted the fluffiest cat in the world, and that's pretty much what I got. But what I didn't know at the time, is that I also got the smartest and craziest cat in the world. Billy can actally open doors on his own. When I lived in an apartment, he LOVED being outside so he would just sit on our poarch (we lived on the third floor). One day we couldn't find Billy. We looked EVERYWHERE, until I found him down on the ground below. Just sitting there as if nothing had happened. Well, now that we live in a house, Billy always wants to go outside. Billy is a cat that likes to live free and do what he wants. He can open the front door and goes out on his own. How many cats can do that????

I actually see a lot of myself in Billy. Maybe that's why I am so intrigued by him. I know that Billy loves me because at times he'll come up next to me purring and purring. And other times I will want to hold and pet Billy and he just runs away. I think that is how I am with people. Sometimes I really open up with people and show them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Other times I feel so closed off from everyone and everything, like I am in my own world, and I am just running away. Even more, at times I feel this is the way I am with God. I scare myself. Sometimes it just feels so uncomfortable to be down here on earth all wrapped in skin struggling to understand this life, God, and why I'm even here. I wonder if Billy ever thinks that??

I feel like in some way or another we are all struggling for freedom. I mean wasn't America founded by a bunch of people who more than anything wanted freedom. People now and throughout history have gone to such great lengths to achieve this freedom. And what does that mean. To be free: to be free from worry? To be free from self doubt? To be free from sin? To be free from what the world says we should be? To be free to love? To be free to hate? To be free from the constraints of our culture and society? To be free to be the creations we were intended to be? "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." Galatians 5:1 Is there any freedom apart from Christ?

So, yesterday I came home from work and unknowingly left my cell phone sitting in the back yard. By the time I realized I had left it there, it was about 10:00pm. I am came outside and picked it up and it was all wet from dew. So I wiped it off on my pants. Then I opened it up, and it was wet on the inside, which I thought was strange, but I just wiped off the inside. Then all of a sudden I realized by smell, that my phone wasn't wet from dew, but because Billy had peed on it. I find this pretty funny, and also somewhat annoying. But, I think that if I were Billy I would also want to pee on my cell phone. I continue to struggle with all these electronic gadgets that are supposed to be bringing us all this increased freedom, when really it seems to me as if we are becoming their slaves.

I want to be free. I'm not sure if on this side of heaven I'll ever totally experience freedom, but I can dream. Until then I will continue to appreciate my cat Billy and how I see freedom expressed in him.