Blessed Are Those…

I LOVE summers. I think I may have written about this before, but I look forward to summers all year long. I love the smell of fresh cut grass in the air. I love lazy summer days that include going to the pool and having a bbq. I love walking outside without shoes on and the feeling of grass between your toes. I love that weird hissing sound of crickets at night. I love watching the sunlight sparkle in the water. I love the rustling of leaves of big Oak Trees. I love the glimmer of lightning bugs at dusk…ok I think you get the point.

Well, about two months ago I was looking forward to the best summer ever. I had so much to look forward too. First of all, Dan and I were going on assignment together to Wildhorse Canyon. Since I have been on YL staff I hadn’t had an assignment (spending a month at a YL camp in some kind of leadership role). Now that Dan was on staff we were both going to be heading out to Wildhorse Canyon in Antelope, OR to be head leaders together. It wasn’t my idea to go half way across the country and work with all people I had never met before, but Dan wanted an adventure and I knew that if we were together it would be totally fine. I was so excited about Dan and I having this shared experience…meeting new people, being in a new place, and serving God together each day.

Then when we got back from Wildhorse we would go spend up week up at the condo on Lake Erie to rest and relax. Then it was off to Frontier Ranch (best YL camp ever) with all the kids from WWSHS that we do YL with. This was something I had been praying for and getting excited about ALL YEAR!!! I just couldn’t wait.

To make things even more exciting, I found out a week and a half before we were leaving for Wildhorse that I was pregnant with my first. There were definitely some days where it just seemed like life was too good. Serisously.

I couldn’t believe how much I just loved life.

Four days before we were supposed to leave for Wildhorse Canyon we had Dan’s dad over for dinner. He was the first one we told about the baby. It was kind of a good bye dinner for the summer, seeing as how we were going to be gone so much. It was nice, but he didn’t seem to be feeling well and left early. Dan decided to go check on him later that night. He went over to find his dad laying unconscious and feverish. He was rushed to the hospital and we found out he had bacterial meningitis. Those first few days were so scary, so long, so confusing. Dan pretty much moved into the hospital. We thought in those first few days we would be saying our goodbyes to Stan forever, but in the ensuing weeks he fought through the bacterial meningitis. In those first few days, Dan had to make the decision not to go with me out to Wildhorse.

I remember sitting there in the snack shop on that first night with all the other assignment team (of which I knew no one) making our introductions and it was all I could do not to burst into tears in front of everyone. I felt lost…lonely…afraid…and angry. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. I wasn’t supposed to be at this camp by myself in the middle of nowhere while Dan sat by his dad’s bed in Central DuPage hospital all month. I wasn’t supposed to be out there alone. WHY GOD????

After about a week out there things started to seem more normal. I started to get to know the team and they started to get to know me. My third week out there I started to have some problems with my pregnancy. I had to go to the hospital to have some tests. I was so afraid…but even more afraid to show it. I will never forget sitting in the emergency room in the most random po-dunk hospital when the hippie, burn out doctor came in and flippantly said to me…”well it looks like you are going to have a miscarriage.” I can’t imagine what the look on my face was. I was in shock. He quickly realized my shock and hurt and tried to immediately become more compassionate, but there wasn’t much he could say. It wasn’t for sure, but from what he could see it looked like I would have a miscarriage. WHY GOD????

I went back to camp and climbed up on my bunk and sobbed until I didn’t have any tears left.

I prayed that whole next week that if it was going to happen that it would wait until I got home. That is one prayer that God did answer this summer. I did not miscarry until a week after I got home.

I know that it is a common thing, but it is a deep hurt. Dan loved and comforted me with all he had…but he didn’t have much. He was so tired. Tired of living at the hospital. Tired of worrying about his dad. Tired of watching him suffer. Tired of praying prayers for healing. Tired of talking to doctors and nurses. Tired of the intensive care unit. Tired of not knowing what each day would hold…life or death. As his dad had successfully battled the bacteria meningitis he continued to be attacked by new bacteria, and every time he seemed to take one step forward, he would take two steps back. WHY GOD???

One thing that was helping to lift our spirits was our upcoming camp trip to Frontier Ranch. It was amazing all the kids that had signed up and were going. Some of these kids I had been praying for to sign up for over eight months. A group of freshman girls I was just really starting to connect with were signed up, as well as a group of junior girls that I absolutely love. I had never been so excited or ready for a camp trip.

The morning of our tirp we had all the leaders over to our house to pray. It was a beautiful time anointed by the Holy Spirit. I had never felt this excited for a camp trip. We were supposed to leave at 11:00 am. I went over to the YL office to finish up a few last details and at 10:30 am Dan called and told me that his dad had just died. WHY GOD???

I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I started shaking. In those kind of moments it is like everything just becomes a haze. I don’t think that your mind, body, or soul can really function in those moments. I became sort of like a robot for the next few hours. I went to where the busses were leaving for our camp trip and told everyone the sad news and stood in the parking lot and waved goodbye to the bus full of kids and leaders that I loved.

I was supposed to be on that trip. I was supposed to be on that bus. I was supposed to be leading that cabin. I was supposed to be there when all the kids got off the bus and experienced Frontier Ranch. I was supposed to be at that volleyball tournament. I was supposed to be at those leader meetings. I was supposed to be staying up late at night laughing and talking and crying with all those girls. WHY GOD???

This wasn’t the way my summer was supposed to be.

Or was it?

When I was at Wildhorse canyon dealing with so much fear and worry and sadness and loneliness, I found myself drawn into a certain verse in particular. It is found in Matthew 5:4. The verse is simple and short but it became the theme of my summer. It says, “blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Hmmmm…

The first 20 or more times I heard or read this verse I didn’t get it. It just didn’t really make sense to me. How could it be a blessing to mourn? I thought that blessings were all happy things like, getting a new house, having things go really well in relationships, when you found that parking space right when you needed one, when your favorite pair of pants were on sale, when you won a race or succeeded in something you were working hard for. HOW COULD MOURNING BE A BLESSING??? How could all of this mess be a blessing.

Well, I am here to say that in the midst of all that pain, all the questions, all the fear, all the doubt, all the lonliness, all the seemingly unanswered prayers, the last two months have been by far the most blessed months of my life. It is true what that verse says, that those who mourn are blessed because they are comforted. Not just comforted, but comforted by the almighty, the maker of heaven and of earth.

The last two months have been blessed for me because in the midst of the pain and lonliness and fear and a million other struggles I was able to stand on the firm ground of God’s love for me and His comfort. I was able to feel the embrace of the almighty. I was able to get up each day and go to the giver of all good things and receive the strength I needed to get through the day. I was forced to trust in something bigger than me and bigger than this world. I was forced out of the world of things we can see and touch and into the world of the unseen. I was forced to let go of my illusions of control and security that comes from this world and trust the one who is control of all things and rest in HIS security.

There are no words that can describe the beauty of the comfort of Christ. There are no words to describe the power of the God of the universe. And, there are no words to explain how blessed I have been.