Do we believe?

The other night I got into a really interesting conversation with my sister. Before I even get into that, I just want to say how much I love my sister. It’s hard to even imagine life or who I would be without her. She has just always been there. Even though we are really different in a lot of ways, I feel close to her in a way that I don’t with anyone else in the world. I love that Lauren is who she is. I love that she is learning more and more to be more and more who she is. I love that I feel special when I am around her. She’s kind of like a warm blanket on a cold and rainy day.

Anyway, back to our conversation. We were talking about the lack of authenticity in the Christian community of America. It’s something that I have been giving a lot of thought to recently. Mostly as it deals with me specifically. A few blogs back I wrote about the song Yahweh. Since then I have been thinking a lot about my desire for significance and approval from those around me. How much of my life seems to be lived in hopes of being “good enough.” It gets tiring, and there is always a sense that in the end I just never will be. I will never be the best at anything. I will never be as good as I want to be. I will never live even a day without sin. I will never have completely pure thoughts. I will never free from my fallen nature. I will never be the me that I want to be!

As I go down this road of trying to win approval, I am brought back to thoughts of God’s love and approval of me. I am brought to the place where I realize that God is the only one who knows me fully, and the only one who loves me fully. That’s a lot to think about. Do I even believe that? Seriously, do I really believe that? Do you believe that? Does ANYONE believe that?

If I did believe it, why would I live my life trying so hard all the time to prove to everyone that I was good enough and that I deserve their love? Why would I be so consumed by my image? Why would I want everyone to like me? Why would I be afraid to make waves for something I believe in? Why would I be afraid to be open with the areas of my life that are dark and scary? Why wouldn’t I engage in more intimate relationships? Why would I hide from God?

Another question that I have is; does the Christian Church in America believe that? Does the Christian community in America believe that God knows us fully, and God loves us fully? My answer has to be no. Of course almost every church would say that they believe this. But, the reason why my answer is no is because of all the acting that goes on inside of the Church. More that almost anywhere in my life, I’ve felt the pressure to act in church. I think this must be part of what is so confusing to people who don’t know God. They might hear that God knows them and loves them unconditionally, and yet the very people who proclaim this live as if they must hide every part of their lives that isn’t worthy of love.

OK, so here’s my point. As followers of Jesus, Christians should be the group of people in the world that feel and act most freely and authentically because we have assurance of love to the core, and there is nothing we can do to move outside of that love. Doesn’t that make sense? It seems like people that didn’t believe or know that there is a God that loves them fully and unconditionally, would be the ones who would be afraid to be authentic because they would need to PROVE that they are worthy of love. In my experience on this earth, this isn’t the way it works.

WHY????

I ask myself that a lot, especially recently. Why don’t Christians feel free to be real? To fail? To mess up? To fall flat on our faces? To admit that we don’t have it all figured out? To admit that our lives can be really messed up? To admit that we have hurt people and continue to hurt people? To admit that we struggle with all kinds of addictions all the time? To admit that we feel empty? To admit that we aren’t faithful? WHY?

I want to be free. I want to live among a community of free people. Real people.

Something that is kind of funny about me is that I love the show Roseanne. Dan always asks me, why are you watching that show? Why do you like that show? For a long time I couldn’t even really say why. I couldn’t explain it. I mean I think it’s kind of funny but it’s definitely not the funniest show. Recently I think I have figured it out. I love the show Roseanne, because it is refreshingly real and authentic. It is a bunch of people that aren’t afraid to show each other hot messed up they really are. That’s why I like it.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life acting. I am thankful that I have people like Lauren in my life who don’t want me to act and don’t expect me to and love me regardless. I pray for myself and for the Christian community in this country that we might really understand what it means to be known fully and loved fully.

Monotony

Sometimes life is really funny. Do you ever look around you and find it hard not to laugh. It isn’t that there is anything inherently funny in the scene around you, but just the ironies of life happening all the time around us. That happened just a minute ago for me as I was sitting here at my dining room table reading a book for the class I am auditing at Wheaton College this semester. Anyway, I am sitting here and I look over to my left and see three little sets golden retriever eyes staring at me. All three of them are huddled together just standing there watching me read. I couldn’t help but laugh.

Mostly I was laughing at myself. Laughing at the reality that at the moment my house is inhabited by three golden retrievers, a really fluffy cat, and myself. Laughing at how my friends think I am weird for volunteering to watch two full size golden retrievers. Laughing at the strange comfort I feel at having these dogs snuggled around my feet.

I love that about life. I love how weirdly entertaining it can be. I think that is why I really love the new show “Arrested Development.” Various people have been telling me for months that I HAVE TO WATCH IT!!! Sometimes that kind of thing can actually keep me from ever giving it a try, but for some strange reason my Tivo just started recording it. Seriously, I’ve asked everyone who regularly comes into my house if they set up Tivo to record Arrested Development and everyone swears it wasn’t them, so I guess I was meant to watch it. I’m glad that the Tivo gods decided I needed to see it, because I love it.

Maybe you’ve been reading this blog saying to yourself, what the heck are you talking about, and what the heck is funny about three golden retrievers. I understand if that’s what you’re thinking, because I often feel like I am most free and alive in the weirdest moments of life that other people are annoyed by or think is just stupid. I think that I got this from my dad. Thanks a lot daddy, for making me certifiably abstractly disoriented emotionally. I wonder if there is an official diagnosis for this problem. (I remember in college seeing the ridiculously, hideously, thick, small printed book of diagnoses for psychological disorders. There must be something in there for me.)

So I grew up in a world of imaginative scenarios, and make-believe words. Here’s one of my favorites: When we would be on a road trip and the weather would start looking ominous, my dad would predict our impending arrival into a pig’s belly. Yes a Pig’s Belly. As the rain and wind would start to come we would all yell, “Are we in the pig’s belly yet?” And he would reply, “not yet.” It wasn’t until we would almost be forced off the road by the weather when my dad would finally and emphatically insist that we had officially entered the pig’s belly. He would make no small show about it. Hands waving in the air. Yelps of anxiety ridden excitement. Maybe this was a way for me dad to escape reality, but it became easy and comfortable for me.

So, I’ve found that when watching shows like Arrested Development that I feel a sense of commonality with the world around me. That even if there is a diagnosis for me in that book for psychological disorders, there are other people who could be similarly diagnosed. My husband for example would be one. That is actually something that I thank God for regularly. I’m so thankful that I am married to a man who not only really genuinely appreciates my strangeness, but has a lot of strangeness to add to the world himself. One thing that I always remember my dad saying to me, is that one of his worst fears in the world was being bored. That could explain a lot. But as I take this into my own life I realize a couple things. One, there are worse things in life than being bored. Two, I hate being bored, and I am continually thankful for people in this world who just by living are putting boredom on the endangered species list.

As I have gotten older, (I recognize that 25 is not old at all), I think I have gotten better at letting who I really am live more and more. I like that. And, I like that in other people. I think the boredom and monotony (a better word I think for what I am getting at) comes in as we are so often trying to assimilate, be accepted, make no waves, fly under the radar, keep up with the Joneses.

Just for clarification, I’m not really trying to make any philosophical point with this blog. If I was, I think I’d be in trouble. I’m just putting words to some things that float through my head from time to time.

As I post blogs I really go back and forth between hoping there might actually be some people out there who read this, and hoping that I’m the only one who reads this. Maybe most people feel that way about their blogs. I haven’t yet mastered the art of the blog.

p.s. I just decided to include a pic of RJ with this blog because; 1. I like putting pictures with blogs, 2. I think RJ is one of the lease monotonous people I have ever known. 3. The look on RJ's face is one of complete boredom (that's what spending time with the fam over christmas can do to a 19 year old boy.)

Stuff

It’s kind of weird to start blogging again, because it’s been awhile and I feel a little out of practice. I think that I need to jump right back in and go for it. I got a new lap top for Christmas. I’m pretty excited about it, but as I explained in one of my previous blogs I’m also a little scared of technology. Anyway, I’m hoping that my blogs will start being more consistent.

My new computer isn’t the only change in my life right now. Dan just started on YL staff this week. It’s pretty exciting for him, and for me. For years he has been following this path that has been so uncomfortable for him. Every day he would wake up and sleepily walk to the closet and put on some stupid collared shirt, tie, and dress pants. Then he would rush out of the house to make it on time to the train where he would get the first of MANY cups of coffee for the day (you gotta get by some how). Then he would make his decent into the hum drum business world of downtown Chicago. He would get off the train and step into the sea of suits and high heels. Everyone climbing the invisible ladder to somewhere that would surely be better than where they were. He would step onto the escalator that would lead to the front door of Performance Trust Captial Partners. He would then walk over to his desk and sit down. He would sit there and look at his computer and his phone, he would stare at his two foot by four foot desk and ask himself once again, just like every other day, WHY AM I HERE??? Why am I spending my life doing a job that I don’t believe in and I don’t even like? Why do I get up every morning to come to a place where I can’t be myself, to a place that sucks the self right out of me?

I wonder if a lot of people sit down at their desks each day and ask that same question. I think so.

Because of Dan’s change in career we’ve had to make some minor adjustments in our life style. We now have a budget that we are following, or I should say trying to follow. I’m not very good at budgets, but I think that it will be a really good thing for us. Anyway, it’s got me to thinking. Thinking about stuff. What is stuff? Why do I have so much of it? Why do I want more? Why am I always comparing my stuff to someone else’s stuff?

I started reading my first Tom Robbins book the other day. It’s called Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates. Lauren told me I HAD to read it, and I usually love her recommendations, so I though I would go for it. I’m only about 50 pages in, but I’m already hooked. First of all, Tom Robbins has to be completely out of his mind, which I LOVE. Secondly, he offers some great thoughts on life amidst the wildly funny scenes he creates. One of these thoughts seemed to jump off the page when I was reading it the other day. Here it is:

“Things. Cosas. Things attach themselves like leeches to the human soul, then they bleed out the wetness and the music and the primordial joy of being unencumbered upon the land. Comprende? People feel tremendous pressure to settle down in some sort of permanent space and fill it up with stuff, but deep inside they resent those structures, and they’re scared to death of that stuff because they know it controls them and restricts their movements.”

When I read this I must admit that it really rang true for me. But, where do I go from here? Do I sell my house and all my belongings, and give away my pets, and … and then …. And then what?? That’s the part where I get confused. Maybe I’m on the baby steps program. I decided that one of my new years resolutions** was to give away more, throw away more, buy less, take less, and bring less into my house. The day after I made this resolution I was reading in 2 corinthians and I found the perfect theme verse for this resolution. It’s 2 Cor. 8:15 “whoever gathered much had nothing left over, and whoever gathered little had no lack.” I like this verse. It’s really simple but it communicates so much. I would like to live by this principle. The problem is the same day I went to the mall with my friend. I was DETERMINED not to buy anything. I was doing really well. Until…(it always seems like there is an until) we went into this one store and I saw this purse that I completely fell in love with. Kind of like how I felt when I met Dan. Just kidding. Anyway, I really needed (I don’t really think I know what need means) this new purse, so I bought it. Should I have? I could live without it. Thus my confusion ensues.

I pray for God’s grace in my life. I ask his forgiveness for my ignorance. And I pray that some day I might better understand what it means to “give away all your possessions”, what it means to live a life free of the stuff that “controls and restricts my movements.”


** I think that new years resolutions are kind of wierd, funny, and stupid. But I also think they are kind of cool because it feels like you get a fresh start to make changes in your life.