Numbers and Mirrors

One of my friends made me a mix of songs for Christmas. The first song on the mix is called Heaven Breaks by Sleeping at Last. Upon first hearing the song I liked it, but then the more that I listened to the song the more I liked it. And then one day when I was sitting at Panera writing in my journal the song came on and it was one of those moments. I don’t know if you know what I am talking about, but sometimes in life there are those moments where something happens that lifts you off the ground. Well in that moment listening to that song I was lifted off the ground. There were a couple lines in particular that really hit me. They are as follows:

“When Heaven meets the earth, we will have no use for numbers
To measure who we are and what we’re worth,
When Heaven meets the earth, we will have no need for mirrors
To tell us who to be and where we fit
Into this awkward point of view.
When angels meet the earth may our bodies be light
When angels meet the earth may our heavy hearts untie”

Why are we so caught up in numbers and mirrors? I think that there is something within our humanity that wants to be able to prove that we are worth it; to be able to prove that we are worthy of love, worthy or praise, worthy of relationships, worthy of God. And, it doesn’t help that we live in a culture that all but worships numbers and mirrors. As if that inner urge to deem our selves worthy by measuring up weren’t enough; there are messages surrounding us on every side reinforcing the idea that our worth is tied up in how much we have, how much we make, how much we weigh, how we look.

Is there any escape from these numbers? Is there any escape from all the mirrors? Can we live in this culture, in this time, in this place and not get caught up in measuring ourselves and those around us all the time every day? I don’t know, but if there is an escape I haven’t found it yet.

I think that the reason why this song lifted me off the ground that day was because in that moment the weight of my self measuring was taken from me. For a moment I felt free of the numbers I use to measure myself. I could actually imagine a time when there would be no use for numbers and mirrors, a time when my value would not be connected to those things.

Something that has recently disturbed me is how this mindset follows me even into ministry. I have become more confused than ever at how to genuinely minister to other people out of obedience and grace and not get tangled in the web of self. Am I motivated to do what I do because I want to be obedient to Christ, or because I want to be worthy of Christ? Do I feel a sense of satisfaction in ministry because God is glorified, or because I am being glorified? These are hard questions to ask and hard questions to answer.

For most of my Christian life I have heard people talk about how God’s grace is one of the most mysterious and difficult things for humans to understand or to grasp. I never really thought it was the difficult of a concept. Someone else took the punishment that we deserve for our sins. Seems pretty simple to me. But then I look at myself and realize how obsessed I am with being worthy and I realize that God’s grace doesn’t seem like much of a reality in my life at all.

And, that is what I think this all comes down to. GRACE. It really is mysterious. It really is difficult for our self absorbed minds and hearts to embrace. GRACE is about losing all our desires to become worthy on our own. If anyone has figured that out, please let me in.