Yahweh

I’ve been in a weird kind of funk lately. I can think of a lot of reasons why I might be in a funk. One is the weather. As much as I love the first snow, I always kind of hate to say goodbye to barefoot days. There is just something about being able to walk outside and enjoy the feeling of the sun on your face and the feeling of grass between your toes. It’s going to be awhile before I feel that again.

Another possible reason for my funk is how crazy busy I have been lately. I barely have time to stop and breath. There is no one to blame for that except for me. It’s kind of strange because it’s not really even that I don’t have a spare moment, but that in each spare moment I am consumed by restless and anxious thoughts. I find that this is a common feeling for people who are in full time ministry. I love Young Life, I love the kids, and the leaders, and all the crazy and fun activities we are doing all the time. I love sitting down for coffee with kids and leaders. But, sometimes I feel like I can’t escape the feeling of burden. Knowing there’s always something that’s getting left undone. Always another person I could be spending time with. That’s when the downward spiral begins.

I have spent a decent amount of time in the past three and a half years beating myself up and feeling like a failure. I get to the point where I almost feel paralyzed by my own fear and guilt. Experiencing these lows has recently brought me to a new place of peace. I have been forced to experience God’s grace in a new way. I have been forced to let God love me even if I am the biggest failure that ever lived. And to be honest sometimes I feel that way.

The other day when I was writing in my journal a U2 song popped into my head. It’s on their newer album “How To Dismantle And Atomic Bomb” and the song is called Yahweh. I personally recommend EVERY song on the CD. It’s one of those CD’s where you can really lose yourself. I’m actually listening to it right now and I am loving it! Anyway, this song Yahweh is really good. There is one line that says, “Always pain before a child is born.” The first time I heard the song that line really hit me, but the other day as I was writing in my journal it started to take on a much more personal meaning.

As I sat there thinking about it, I had one of those moments of clarity. They are rare, but when they happen it is like magic. It’s as if God spoke directly to me saying, “all this pain and hurt in your life, all these feelings of failure that you are dealing with, all of the darkness that you are living in, they are about to birth new life in you.” I think that it is mostly true. I look back on my life, and I think about all the times when I really felt like the old scales were falling off and the new creation was being revealed and it always hurts.

As I was telling a friend about this feeling and experience the other day he related it to one of the Chronicles of Narnia (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader) where there is young boy who is mean to everyone. And the meaner he gets he becomes covered in scales and ends up looking like a dragon. He doesn’t want to look like a dragon and be covered in scales but he doesn’t seem to be able to help it. And then Alsan (the lion “Jesus” figure) comes one night to the boy and slowly but surely Aslan rips all the scales off of the boy. It hurts because Aslan has to use his claws, but by the end he is a boy again and no longer a dragon. I feel like that boy sometimes. It hurts having my scales ripped off, but it’s worth it. I don’t want to live the rest of my life as a dragon.

I think that I will probably spend the rest of my life going through seasons of life that really hurt. Times when I feel unlovable. Times when I feel dark and lonely. Times when I am lost and fearful. But, I do believe that if I persevere in these times that I will slowly become the beautiful creation I was meant to be.

Below are the complete lyrics of U2’s “Yahweh.” If anything I said in this blog resonates with you, stop what you are doing right now, find this song, and listen to it.

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirtPolyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break