Do we believe?

The other night I got into a really interesting conversation with my sister. Before I even get into that, I just want to say how much I love my sister. It’s hard to even imagine life or who I would be without her. She has just always been there. Even though we are really different in a lot of ways, I feel close to her in a way that I don’t with anyone else in the world. I love that Lauren is who she is. I love that she is learning more and more to be more and more who she is. I love that I feel special when I am around her. She’s kind of like a warm blanket on a cold and rainy day.

Anyway, back to our conversation. We were talking about the lack of authenticity in the Christian community of America. It’s something that I have been giving a lot of thought to recently. Mostly as it deals with me specifically. A few blogs back I wrote about the song Yahweh. Since then I have been thinking a lot about my desire for significance and approval from those around me. How much of my life seems to be lived in hopes of being “good enough.” It gets tiring, and there is always a sense that in the end I just never will be. I will never be the best at anything. I will never be as good as I want to be. I will never live even a day without sin. I will never have completely pure thoughts. I will never free from my fallen nature. I will never be the me that I want to be!

As I go down this road of trying to win approval, I am brought back to thoughts of God’s love and approval of me. I am brought to the place where I realize that God is the only one who knows me fully, and the only one who loves me fully. That’s a lot to think about. Do I even believe that? Seriously, do I really believe that? Do you believe that? Does ANYONE believe that?

If I did believe it, why would I live my life trying so hard all the time to prove to everyone that I was good enough and that I deserve their love? Why would I be so consumed by my image? Why would I want everyone to like me? Why would I be afraid to make waves for something I believe in? Why would I be afraid to be open with the areas of my life that are dark and scary? Why wouldn’t I engage in more intimate relationships? Why would I hide from God?

Another question that I have is; does the Christian Church in America believe that? Does the Christian community in America believe that God knows us fully, and God loves us fully? My answer has to be no. Of course almost every church would say that they believe this. But, the reason why my answer is no is because of all the acting that goes on inside of the Church. More that almost anywhere in my life, I’ve felt the pressure to act in church. I think this must be part of what is so confusing to people who don’t know God. They might hear that God knows them and loves them unconditionally, and yet the very people who proclaim this live as if they must hide every part of their lives that isn’t worthy of love.

OK, so here’s my point. As followers of Jesus, Christians should be the group of people in the world that feel and act most freely and authentically because we have assurance of love to the core, and there is nothing we can do to move outside of that love. Doesn’t that make sense? It seems like people that didn’t believe or know that there is a God that loves them fully and unconditionally, would be the ones who would be afraid to be authentic because they would need to PROVE that they are worthy of love. In my experience on this earth, this isn’t the way it works.

WHY????

I ask myself that a lot, especially recently. Why don’t Christians feel free to be real? To fail? To mess up? To fall flat on our faces? To admit that we don’t have it all figured out? To admit that our lives can be really messed up? To admit that we have hurt people and continue to hurt people? To admit that we struggle with all kinds of addictions all the time? To admit that we feel empty? To admit that we aren’t faithful? WHY?

I want to be free. I want to live among a community of free people. Real people.

Something that is kind of funny about me is that I love the show Roseanne. Dan always asks me, why are you watching that show? Why do you like that show? For a long time I couldn’t even really say why. I couldn’t explain it. I mean I think it’s kind of funny but it’s definitely not the funniest show. Recently I think I have figured it out. I love the show Roseanne, because it is refreshingly real and authentic. It is a bunch of people that aren’t afraid to show each other hot messed up they really are. That’s why I like it.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life acting. I am thankful that I have people like Lauren in my life who don’t want me to act and don’t expect me to and love me regardless. I pray for myself and for the Christian community in this country that we might really understand what it means to be known fully and loved fully.