New Year’s Resolutions

I couldn’t really decide this year if I wanted to make any new years resolutions. In the past few years, I have made a few. Three years ago I didn’t drink any soda for a whole year. Two years ago I did eight minute abs 5 times a week until mid June. Last year I started taking a multi-vitamin and I still do that. But I haven’t really been able to make up my mind about a resolution for this year.

I have a love-hate relationship with resolutions. I love them because they are a sign of new beginnings; a fresh start of sorts. But I hate them because so often they end in guilt and failure. I hate that feeling …and I think I hate feeling the fear of failure maybe even more than I even hate just feeling the failure. If I actually get to the failure it means that at least I have beaten the fear and at least that’s something.

I’m pretty sure that I have two resolutions for this year. I’m just going to do it. Here they are: the first one is to read the news at least 3 times a week. I am ashamed to admit how little I actually read or listen to the news. It really is embarrassing. My second resolution is to write on my blog more. Maybe I should specify…but I’m not going to. I’m just going to write more.

Much like my situation with resolutions, I find myself being motivated by fear way too often. Deep down inside of me I am so afraid of failing. It is like there is this little voice that follows me everywhere I go always cautioning me and reminding me that I might not really be able to do this or that. Or if I did do something it might not turn out very well. It’s not a voice that I feel like I can choose to listen to or not. The voice just becomes my reality and I find myself reeling in its wake.

That is one reason why I find my dad so amazing. Trust me he’s far from perfect. But, one way that he is different from 99.9% of the people I know, is that he isn’t afraid of failing. He has done things, really really risky things, with everyone in his life screaming in his ear that he will fail, and he still goes for it and doesn’t fail. It’s really amazing to me. I have no idea how he does it.

I really hate that little voice in my head. It’s not a mean voice though. It’s not a voice saying, “Meghan you suck, and you’re not good at anything.” It really seems like a nice soothing voice just letting me know that it’s a lot safer on this side of failure. And that is exactly why I hate it so much.

So…my final resolution for this year, (yes…I did start out wondering if I would make a resolution this year and now I am on my third) is that I won’t listen to that little voice as much as I did last year. I will take chances. And if I fail at least I will have tried and won’t continue to live in the fear.