My New Life

On June 4th my life changed in an amazing way and it will never be the same. My little boy was born. His name is Isaac Daniel Orr. He is the most precious thing I have ever seen. I was really nervous before he was born. I was nervous for a lot of reasons, but the biggest thing that I was nervous about it that I wouldn't love him. I know that might sound cold or horrible, but it is the truth. I have never really been a baby person. When I am around babies, I like them, but I am not dying to hold them. I haven't been the girl who grew up anxiously awaiting the day that I would be a mom. I knew that I wanted to have kids, but it wasn't going to be the culmination of my life.

So Isaac came into the world in quite a hurry. My labor was only just over 2 hours total. It was the craziest (and most painful) experience of my life. But...there are truely no words to express the joy, love, elation, and excitement I felt when they put that tiny little boy on my chest. The love I felt was so immediate and so deep. It shocked me. My face literally hurt from smiling. It was the most exhausting two hours of my life (he was born at 11:52pm) but yet I could not sleep all night long or the next night. I just laid in my bed thinking about this new tiny person that I was so undeniably in love with. I have always heard parents talk about this love that they have for their children that is just unexplainable, and I never understood it. Now I do. It is a miracle to feel this way about a tiny little person. Another crazy part is that I am loving him more every day.

On the day that we left the hospital I sat looking at Isaac and I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't crying out of joy, or fear, or anxiety, or depression. I was crying because I was looking at this perfect, tiny, innocent person and I felt a sense of guilt for bringing him into this world that is filled with so much hurt and pain and sin and darkness. I know that it is all part of the plan, but I couldn't help feeling a little bit like I wished for him to be back from wherever he came from, back to his place of light and love. That isn't going to happen, and I need to embrace the reality that he is not mine to protect from the pain and hurt of this world, but to know that I will love him through it all.

If you would like to see more Isaac pics please visit www.theorrfam.blogspot.com. I have been posting a lot more stuff there since Isaac was born...but I am not abondoning this blog all together.