What an unbelieving world finds unbelievable

In case you didn’t already know, the title for this entry is not my own, but a line from a DC Talk song. I first heard this song in high school when a boyfriend of mine put it on a mix for me. I thought it was a clever little play on words when I first heard it, but didn’t really give it much thought at the time. Well, as I sit here tonight, it seems a very fitting title for what I intend on writing about.

I’ll just get right to it. I am really struggling with church. Especially after this past Sunday, but in general, I am struggling with church.

Growing up my family always attended a United Methodist Church; one in Bay Village, one in Lakewood, and one in Symmes Township. The one in Lakewood was my favorite. It was this really big beautiful old church. The inside was all dark wood with really tall vaulted ceilings and HUGE stainglass windows. Before I really knew Christ, I can remember feeling Him in that church. I remember one Sunday, it might have been Easter I can’t really remember, but on that one Sunday I remember singing a hymn and looking at the beautiful windows and feeling so overwhelmed by beauty, by truth, by love, that I cried. I remember just standing there, not really understanding what I was feeling, with tears running down my face. I really like that memory. It was so real. So authentic. So mysterious. So tender.

I remember going to vacation bible school at the church in Bay Village. I remember teepees where we made crafts. I remember getting a jelly doughnut every Sunday in fellowship hall after the service. I loved those doughnuts. I remember getting a bible with my name in the front cover. I really treasured it and felt it was something very special. I used it up until about 3 years ago.

We didn’t get very involved at the church in Symmes Township, so I don’t have much to say about it.

When I was in high school I started to get to know Jesus. I was introduced to him by Young Life. I desired to have a church to go to. My junior year I found out about this church in Cincinnati called The Vineyard. A couple older kids from YL went there and said it was really cool. So, one Sunday my friend Katie and I got directions and drove there. We didn’t really know what to expect. But, we loved it. It was something totally new for me. I saw all these people who looked like they really wanted to be there. There were a couple guys standing out front smoking before we went in. The songs we sang made me feel alive. The guy who got up to talk to us seemed a lot like someone I might just run into on the street. He had love in his eyes. I kept going back.

After a couple of months my whole family started going there. At first they were a little leery, but it didn’t take long for it to grow on them. I really love that church. I have been embraced there. I went to college only 45 min from home, so most Sundays I would drive to The Vineyard. A few of my parents friends started going there too. My mom still goes with her boyfriend Pedro, and when I am home I try to always make it a point to be there.

So, what’s the struggle?

Well, the struggle is that in the past four years (since I have lived in Chicago) I have attended well over 10 different churches and I feel lost. Many of those we attended regularly for 6 months or more. So, not many people read my blog, but I’m sure that this would be the point where people might want to point the finger at me and say, “you’re not supposed to go shopping for churches, there is no perfect church, the problem is with you not the church, you need to stay committed and get connected, you’re a fickle bastard.” The funny thing is that I actually say all these things to myself.

About six months ago Dan and I decided that the church we were attending (which we really liked accept for the fact we had to watch the message on video cast) was too far from the community in which we are ministering and we were going to find a closer church and just commit to it, NO MATTER WHAT! Both of us were growing weary and frustrated. So, we picked one of the 1,000,000,000 churches in Wheaton and went cold turkey (no more church shopping), which brings us to the present.

Last Sunday. It started off as a really bad day. We’re watching some dogs that are really sweet but they got into the garbage and dragged it all over the house. UGH!! Well, Dan and I did finally make it to church without killing each other or the dogs, but barely. We enter and find our seats, which may I note is one of my favorite parts about going there. We know exactly where we like to sit and no one is EVER in our seats. Anyway, we enter, take our seats and start to worship. The worship team leads us in one of the 20 songs we sing at church, any of which can be heard on K-LOVE 20 times a day. To be honest, it’s not the song choice that I have a hard time with, it’s the way it is lead by the worship team. Same huge smiles EVERY WEEK. Same hands raised EVERY WEEK. Same sway and intense look of devotion EVERY WEEK. This is what an unbelieving world finds unbelievable. Forget an unbelieving world, this is what a believing world finds unbelievable.

I decided not to sing and instead to watch the little girl in the seats in front of us. She was turned around staring at us. She was probably about 3 or 4. She had beautiful chestnut hair that was silky and straight. Her eyes were huge, and enchanting. She looked around with such wonder in her eyes. Her smile was curious and cunning. She kept ducking behind the seat so I couldn’t see her, and then she would pop up and giggle a little bit as I caught her eyes. Now here was a reason for worship. The beauty of this child made me love God more, made me want to know God more.

So, I’m struggling, but I’m getting through. Then like a ton of bricks falling on my soul I see this high school kid walk by with a sweatshirt on from the Youth Group retreat a couple weeks earlier. On the back I see in huge letters, “…go talk to firewood.” You might not understand, which I hope you don’t. A couple weeks earlier I was at a Youth Pastor Fellowship meeting. The youth pastor from the church I attend was there. He’s a pretty nice guy but always seems like he’s had just a bit too much coffee…OK actually more than just a bit too much. Anyway, he started sharing about his youth group (too much info I’ll have to put it in another entry). But, one thing he shared was that he just got back from a youth retreat where he taught the kids about how they must get better at talking to their friends who are firewood because they are going to burn in hell. I’m not kidding. Not kidding at all. I wish I was. I really really wish I was. I must say that at the meeting I was taken aback by his flippancy and lack of compassion, but I was TRYING to give him the benefit of the doubt.

UNTIL…I see this kid walk by at church with this sweatshirt on. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Who writes that on a sweatshirt. Who writes that on a sweatshirt and THEN gives it to high school kids to wear around??? “GO TALK TO FIREWOOD,” What an unbelieving world finds unbelievable.

When I saw the kid walk by at church, my jaw dropped, literally. I couldn’t get it to go back in place. I just stood there with my jaw on the floor. Then, I cried. I couldn’t help it. I’m a pretty emotional person. I didn’t feel it coming, but the floodgate opened and the tears came and they couldn’t stop. I was crying for a lot of different reasons. I was mostly crying at this misrepresentation of God’s heart toward unbelievers. Firewood? That was a really hard moment for me, but it was also a moment of grace. Many times in these kind of moments I wonder, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just go with the flow more? Why don’t I fit in better with this Christian culture? But…in that moment I heard the whisper of the holy spirit. That whisper said to me, I love you. I love you just the way you are. I love your sensitive heart. I love that that makes you cry. It was a beautiful moment.

I come to the end of this entry without any real answers. Without knowing where I should or will continue to go to church. I am honestly confused. And, I am saddened at how many parts of the Christian culture and unbelieving world finds simply unbelievable.

I just needed a place to process and get this all off my chest. Thanks for listening.