Seeing and Being

Tonight I am overwhelmed by beauty. It is all around me. It is everywhere. Beauty in my baked beans and beauty in the stubby and bitten fingernails of my husband. Beauty in the candle lit on my table and beauty in the soft fur of my kitty cat. Beauty in the rustling of leaves outside my window and beauty in the still silence of the night air. Beauty in the colors of my tablecloth and beauty in my old tennis shoes sitting by the door. Wherever I look, there it is. This beauty is swallowing me whole. I am becoming intoxicated by it.

This is a moment of worship.

So much of my life I have been TRYING to be with God. Trying to figure it out and trying to do it better. Trying to hold on and trying to let go. Trying not to slip. Trying not to fall. Trying to keep up. Trying not to get left behind. Trying to do it right. Trying not to do what is wrong. But…maybe it’s not about trying. Maybe it’s not about figuring it out. Maybe it’s just the opposite. Maybe it’s the trying that has become my focus. Maybe trying has actually fooled me into missing what’s right there in front of me. Maybe my trying has actually suffocated me from the air I need to breathe.

For the past couple of days…maybe weeks, I haven’t been trying so hard. And…it has been both weird and wonderful. I think I am starting to understand what it means to pray without ceasing. I think it has something to do with seeing and being.

I feel like I have these eyes that are just opening for the first time. Opening to all the wonder around us. Opening to the stories. Tonight I was thinking about how there is a story in each moment. A story in every step. A story in every sigh. A story in every breath. I sometimes think I would like to write a novel. I often think this after seeing even just a little bit into someone’s story…even my own. But, as I was thinking tonight I was struck that there is so much more story going on all the time than could ever be captured in a book.

I don’t want to spend my life living in the illusions of this world. The illusion of success. The illusion of possessions. The illusion of fitting in. The illusion of control. The illusion of trying. I want my eyes to see clearly. To see clearly the truths of Christ and His love and glory. I don’t want to live under the burden of my own invitation of all that this world has to offer into my life.

I really love the spring. There is a magical beauty to spring. When the whole earth is coming back to life, I can’t help but feel it in my veins. And I am reminded once again that I have also been brought back to life. I am continually being brought back to life.