My New Life

On June 4th my life changed in an amazing way and it will never be the same. My little boy was born. His name is Isaac Daniel Orr. He is the most precious thing I have ever seen. I was really nervous before he was born. I was nervous for a lot of reasons, but the biggest thing that I was nervous about it that I wouldn't love him. I know that might sound cold or horrible, but it is the truth. I have never really been a baby person. When I am around babies, I like them, but I am not dying to hold them. I haven't been the girl who grew up anxiously awaiting the day that I would be a mom. I knew that I wanted to have kids, but it wasn't going to be the culmination of my life.

So Isaac came into the world in quite a hurry. My labor was only just over 2 hours total. It was the craziest (and most painful) experience of my life. But...there are truely no words to express the joy, love, elation, and excitement I felt when they put that tiny little boy on my chest. The love I felt was so immediate and so deep. It shocked me. My face literally hurt from smiling. It was the most exhausting two hours of my life (he was born at 11:52pm) but yet I could not sleep all night long or the next night. I just laid in my bed thinking about this new tiny person that I was so undeniably in love with. I have always heard parents talk about this love that they have for their children that is just unexplainable, and I never understood it. Now I do. It is a miracle to feel this way about a tiny little person. Another crazy part is that I am loving him more every day.

On the day that we left the hospital I sat looking at Isaac and I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't crying out of joy, or fear, or anxiety, or depression. I was crying because I was looking at this perfect, tiny, innocent person and I felt a sense of guilt for bringing him into this world that is filled with so much hurt and pain and sin and darkness. I know that it is all part of the plan, but I couldn't help feeling a little bit like I wished for him to be back from wherever he came from, back to his place of light and love. That isn't going to happen, and I need to embrace the reality that he is not mine to protect from the pain and hurt of this world, but to know that I will love him through it all.

If you would like to see more Isaac pics please visit www.theorrfam.blogspot.com. I have been posting a lot more stuff there since Isaac was born...but I am not abondoning this blog all together.

Numbers and Mirrors

One of my friends made me a mix of songs for Christmas. The first song on the mix is called Heaven Breaks by Sleeping at Last. Upon first hearing the song I liked it, but then the more that I listened to the song the more I liked it. And then one day when I was sitting at Panera writing in my journal the song came on and it was one of those moments. I don’t know if you know what I am talking about, but sometimes in life there are those moments where something happens that lifts you off the ground. Well in that moment listening to that song I was lifted off the ground. There were a couple lines in particular that really hit me. They are as follows:

“When Heaven meets the earth, we will have no use for numbers
To measure who we are and what we’re worth,
When Heaven meets the earth, we will have no need for mirrors
To tell us who to be and where we fit
Into this awkward point of view.
When angels meet the earth may our bodies be light
When angels meet the earth may our heavy hearts untie”

Why are we so caught up in numbers and mirrors? I think that there is something within our humanity that wants to be able to prove that we are worth it; to be able to prove that we are worthy of love, worthy or praise, worthy of relationships, worthy of God. And, it doesn’t help that we live in a culture that all but worships numbers and mirrors. As if that inner urge to deem our selves worthy by measuring up weren’t enough; there are messages surrounding us on every side reinforcing the idea that our worth is tied up in how much we have, how much we make, how much we weigh, how we look.

Is there any escape from these numbers? Is there any escape from all the mirrors? Can we live in this culture, in this time, in this place and not get caught up in measuring ourselves and those around us all the time every day? I don’t know, but if there is an escape I haven’t found it yet.

I think that the reason why this song lifted me off the ground that day was because in that moment the weight of my self measuring was taken from me. For a moment I felt free of the numbers I use to measure myself. I could actually imagine a time when there would be no use for numbers and mirrors, a time when my value would not be connected to those things.

Something that has recently disturbed me is how this mindset follows me even into ministry. I have become more confused than ever at how to genuinely minister to other people out of obedience and grace and not get tangled in the web of self. Am I motivated to do what I do because I want to be obedient to Christ, or because I want to be worthy of Christ? Do I feel a sense of satisfaction in ministry because God is glorified, or because I am being glorified? These are hard questions to ask and hard questions to answer.

For most of my Christian life I have heard people talk about how God’s grace is one of the most mysterious and difficult things for humans to understand or to grasp. I never really thought it was the difficult of a concept. Someone else took the punishment that we deserve for our sins. Seems pretty simple to me. But then I look at myself and realize how obsessed I am with being worthy and I realize that God’s grace doesn’t seem like much of a reality in my life at all.

And, that is what I think this all comes down to. GRACE. It really is mysterious. It really is difficult for our self absorbed minds and hearts to embrace. GRACE is about losing all our desires to become worthy on our own. If anyone has figured that out, please let me in.

Transcending Words

I recently watched these two Johnny Cash videos. They are both amazing. They communicate things that I could spend hours trying to write and wouldn't even get close. They are different but I love them both. I would love to hear responses from those of you who watch them. Let me know what you think and how these videos impact you.

http://rednow.tv/expectnow/2006/12/04/gods-gonna-what/

http://rednow.tv/expectnow/2006/08/21/johnny-cash-hurt-video-next-week/

If you're curious, the website that these videos is posted on was made by a YL guy I work with (Bob). He started it as a way to continue communicating with kids after camp was over (he spoke at Castaway last summer). There's tons of other great stuff on this website. I hope you enjoy.

New Year’s Resolutions

I couldn’t really decide this year if I wanted to make any new years resolutions. In the past few years, I have made a few. Three years ago I didn’t drink any soda for a whole year. Two years ago I did eight minute abs 5 times a week until mid June. Last year I started taking a multi-vitamin and I still do that. But I haven’t really been able to make up my mind about a resolution for this year.

I have a love-hate relationship with resolutions. I love them because they are a sign of new beginnings; a fresh start of sorts. But I hate them because so often they end in guilt and failure. I hate that feeling …and I think I hate feeling the fear of failure maybe even more than I even hate just feeling the failure. If I actually get to the failure it means that at least I have beaten the fear and at least that’s something.

I’m pretty sure that I have two resolutions for this year. I’m just going to do it. Here they are: the first one is to read the news at least 3 times a week. I am ashamed to admit how little I actually read or listen to the news. It really is embarrassing. My second resolution is to write on my blog more. Maybe I should specify…but I’m not going to. I’m just going to write more.

Much like my situation with resolutions, I find myself being motivated by fear way too often. Deep down inside of me I am so afraid of failing. It is like there is this little voice that follows me everywhere I go always cautioning me and reminding me that I might not really be able to do this or that. Or if I did do something it might not turn out very well. It’s not a voice that I feel like I can choose to listen to or not. The voice just becomes my reality and I find myself reeling in its wake.

That is one reason why I find my dad so amazing. Trust me he’s far from perfect. But, one way that he is different from 99.9% of the people I know, is that he isn’t afraid of failing. He has done things, really really risky things, with everyone in his life screaming in his ear that he will fail, and he still goes for it and doesn’t fail. It’s really amazing to me. I have no idea how he does it.

I really hate that little voice in my head. It’s not a mean voice though. It’s not a voice saying, “Meghan you suck, and you’re not good at anything.” It really seems like a nice soothing voice just letting me know that it’s a lot safer on this side of failure. And that is exactly why I hate it so much.

So…my final resolution for this year, (yes…I did start out wondering if I would make a resolution this year and now I am on my third) is that I won’t listen to that little voice as much as I did last year. I will take chances. And if I fail at least I will have tried and won’t continue to live in the fear.